Resignation

Not from blogging, from match.com and okcupid.com

That's where things have gone.  25 and I had a conversation two weeks ago that went like this:

Me: Are you still on match?

Him: Uh, I think i still have a membership but I never go on it.

PAUSE

Him:  I guess stop it so it doesn't auto renew me when it ends in April.

Me: Does that mean you're ending your match membership?

Him: Yea, I think so.

Me: Ok, I'll end mine when it's up in May too.

We met on match.  Somehow, all my ridiculous online dating stories turned in to a "success story", but don't tell match.com that or I'll probably have to do some shmarmy commercial.

We started really slow.  I think our first three dates were spread over about six weeks or so.  We both dated other people for a couple months. We never had a typical commitment talk.  We've talked about what we might want going forward but never exactly a talk to figure out if we are "together", dating, involved or whatnot. So this was our talk.

I assume, and feel good about that assumption, not that I'm making an "ass out of u and me" (think about it!) that we are together.  I see him at least four evenings a week. We have plans throughout the summer including camping, concerts and weekends away. If that doesn't mean something then having a "talk" wouldn't either.

I feel good about giving the online dating a rest.  Luckily, should the need arise, it'll be there for me to peruse again.

Ultimatums and Requests

I have really held off in giving many ultimatums in my relationships in the past.  I finally gave my ex an ultimatum of "get involved with me and our marriage or I'm done here" after the train had gone off the rails months and months before. I don't generally think that people (myself included) respond well to a "do this or else" scenario.  That said, there are times when necessity requires a hard stop to evaluate, then a decision is made.

Dan Savage refers to some ultimatums as the "price of admission".  If the person you are dating says once a month they want the freedom to go sleep with someone else, that's their price of admission.  You can decide that is a price you are willing to pay, or not. If the person is worth the trouble, the compromise, the hassle, then you'll probably pay the price . . .of admission.  If not, it's a good signal to go your separate ways.  I believer everyone has these prices, some come cheap, others are very costly.

I've realized that as I get pickier about who I date and what I want in a relationship, I have these lines-in-the-sand. There are few things that I'm really strict about, but those are absolutes. A few examples: accepting of all sexualities, races, religions and creeds, not a video gamer, active/non-couch potato. Most of my requirements are fairly broad and can be open to interpretation (by me of course) as need dictates. Dating is a process to filter out the men who don't meet my requirements and hopefully find one who does. 

I do think that having requirements is slightly different than ultimatums.  To me, an ultimatum is like a cease and desist order.  You've been doing A.  I find A to be unacceptable.  Please cease and desist. At what point in a relationship do you give an ultimatum?  That being said, what makes an ultimatum inherently different than a request?  I've been involved with a person or two that making requests, both on his part and mine, were the opposite of the high drama, be-all-end-all of an ultimatum. I asked if he wouldn't mind now smoking around me, or he asked if I would limit my snarky comments to ten a day.  Neither request was met with any hostility.  Part of a good relationship is being able to ask for what you want/need without the other person overreacting.  Relationships are always a give and take. 

The difference must be that an ultimatum means "if you say no, we're over" where any other request is still open for debate and compromise. The timeline of what you can/should ask for and when or how often . . . That is in need of a much finer comb to untangle.

Booby Traps

<Scene: enter Elmer Fudd, dressed in his brown hunting gear, complete with ridiculous hat>
Elmer: Shhhhhh, I'm hunting wabbits. . . .

(three, two, one) SHA-PING! He's caught by the ankle in a rope snare and whipped up by the poor sapling he used, only to dangle helplessly mid air as Bugs Bunny inevitably asks

"Ehh, What's up doc?"

What plays in my head when I hear booby trap.  Well, after the thirteen year old me finishes snickering.

Dating is full of booby traps.  They are different than minefields.  Booby traps are ones that we know are there and yet manage to get caught in any way, a la Elmer Fudd. [I know that technically booby traps can be and often are hidden, thinking specifically of the Vietnam War, but they never really are in the cartoons.] Mines are the ones we didn't know were there or see them but when we bump them they blow up in our faces.  Today's musing is booby traps (heh, heh).

This time of year is booby trap city.  It starts with Thanksgiving really, I suppose. Thanksgiving and Christmas are both family holidays.  Therefore, if you are still early on in dating someone, as I think I kind of am (more on that in the next blog), there is usually at least one awkward conversation about meeting family.  Are you coming to my family thing? Me to yours? It's difficult to meet your partners family for the first time at Thanksgiving or Christmas because A) there is likely to be more family around than just the usual clan, B) there are all kind
of traditions and family must-dos to wade through, C) there's alcohol, which even if you don't over drink, someone else might and an embarrassing encounter with Uncle Ed is the last thing you want to be your first impression.

I've kind of been dating someone and we somehow skated through the November-December holidays without issue.  It helped that I was out of town for Thanksgiving, hence making it a moot point. For Christmas he had a ton of familial obligations with all kind of family so I (perhaps slightly less than delicately) told him to go do his family thing and I'd see him after Christmas for New Years.

Another booby trap.  We did make New Year's Eve plans.  It's the first time I've had a "date" for NYE in  . . . uh . . counting. . .well, hmmmm . . . anyway. Dinner, a show, a midnight kiss.  No friends around to mingle with, just us so it was easy really. I did meet a couple of his friends the day before and I think I passed.  It was good that we were at a Seahawks game which provided ample distraction and gave us all a common cause.  Otherwise meeting the friends can turn into a grilling.

Whew, you're thinking you've missed the booby traps by making it into the new year.  Silly you.  Target started putting out Valentine's Day decorations two days after Christmas just to remind you that another, and potentially the biggest booby trap is around the corner. Valentine's Day can be tough even for established couples.  If you are dating, eeeeekkkkkkk.  Are we making plans? If so, how serious? Gifts? Again, how serious? There's all this pressure from society to give in and do flowers and cards and chocolates and stuffed bears and jewelry and lingerie and aaaaaaaggggghhhhhh.  I believe, as many do, that Valentine's is a crock of consumerism BS concocted to get us to by stuff in the post-holiday lull.  I haven't had Valentine's plans in, well, about as long as I haven't had NYE plans.

I've sort of managed to sidestep this one too I think.  I'm scheduled to be out of town for work on the actual day.  Since I'll be home for the weekend and then gone again, we sort of assume we'll see each other.  The catch is the gift/no-gift (which also comes up at Christmas).  I don't want V-Day to be an overblown awkward incident.  Let's just make awesome plans like we do on so many other weekends and call it good.  Flowers would be nice but that is plenty sufficient.

Not too long after Valentine's Day is my birthday. Again, we're back to gift/no gift. Gifts always are fraught with tension.  Was is personal enough but not too over the top or was it dreadfully generic? Did one person spend obviously more than the other? Was one gift a sign of taking things to the next level?  Did one person not get a gift to give? Stress central. With this particular guy, his birthday is about two weeks after mine, so we do this dance all over again.

Thank goodness for holidays like Arbor Day and Independence Day. They might be my new favorites, along with Memorial Day and Labor Day of course.

Tired of Dating

The alternate title for this blog is "When will I be in a relationship?"

I went back through my planner and counted. I dated twenty one guys in 2012.  Not too shabby considering I wasn't really back in Seattle until the beginning of March.  The majority of those were first date only.  About six of those guys were multi-daters, as in two or more.
Two of those I saw regularly for more than two months.
There were fifteen others that I emailed or texted (please advise on the grammar of this verb) but never materialized into a date. 

Granted, 2012 didn't quite end up being the year of a thousand first dates.  I fell woefully short of that. Averaging 2.1 first dates per month means I'm trying.  I'm putting myself out there.  I'm meeting people.

It takes a lot of effort to date.  Lots more effort than being in a relationship.  When you are first dating someone you have to be on your best behavior all the time. The comedienne Whitney Cummings has a great bit about trying not to fart when you are out on dates for the first six months. It's true! No burping, no farting, perfect make-up, great hair, high heels, going out, being fun, not stressing about things, etc, etc.

When you've relaxed into a relationship, you can wear sneakers, you can have a sweats and movie on the sofa day, you can be your slightly lazy, occasionally slobby self. But not when you are dating. Not that you can't be yourself, but you have to be your best self.  You not neurotic, not whiny, never smelly, always done up, fun and funny self.

First and second and sometimes third dates are lots of small talk too.  Have you ever been to a party, maybe a work party, maybe a networking thing, where you had to make a lot of small talk for say, four hours?  That's tiring. You basically have the same conversation, or version of a conversation, over and over and over.  It reminds me of being a foreigner in Indonesia.  The limited English of many of the Indonesians meant that the conversation was the same "How are you? " "Where are you from?" "Do you like Indonesia?" "How old are you?" "Where do you live?" That's about the extent of it.

First dates are  "What do you do for work?" "Where did you grow up?" "What do you do for fun?" "blah, blah, blah". You watch for red flags, you use enough common sense to not ask the really key things you might want to know, like how long was your last relationship or when was your last long term relationship and why did it end. You have to roll those out slowly because, lord knows, you don't want to bog through that conversation if you don't have to because they hit four other red flags in the basic small talk.

While I am tired of dating and ready for some quality time with "my man" on the sofa, I am not yet willing to settle! I will not keep dating a guy who is a mismatch for me just to get to sofa time. Here's to pursing a great relationship in 2013 with as much if not more vigor than before!!

Baggage Theory

No one gets to thirty without some baggage.  Even those among us who have had less than a thousand first dates.

I've narrowed my philosophy on this one this:

I'm looking for someone who has carry on baggage, not checked.

I've traveled quite a bit so the analogy speaks to that experience.
Carry on baggage means:
you know how to travel light. Work with what you've got.  You're willing to do laundry instead of carry extra clothes. You prefer to fly through the airport, only arriving an hour before your flight, and know how to get through security without setting off a metal detector.

Checked baggage means:
You favor stuff over the mobility to do stuff.  You are potentially inexperienced, taking everything with you, instead of making do and letting go. You have to spend lots of time waiting both to check and retrieve your stuff.

I'm divorced.  That's a phrase I don't say often.  I'm not embarrassed by it.  I'm not proud of it.  But it honestly doesn't come up often in my life.  I usually make a point of mentioning it to people I'm dating/friends at some point.  It has to be a conscientious mention because it never comes up otherwise. He's not in my life, at all.  That's not hyperbole.  When I left, after the paperwork was done, the house was sold, the things divided, I left. I believe when you split from someone, there's usually a very good reason.  I had my reasons.  I still believe they were the right ones, that I was justified. Few people get to know the whole story.

I'm proud of the fact that my baggage is carry on. Maybe it's because I've evolved as I've traveled.  I take less stuff.  I won't break my back to have an extra change of clothes.  I know that if I forget my ________ (toothbrush, flip flops, etc) I can buy them there.  I know it's easier to buy liquids like shampoo wherever I'm going. I like not waiting in line to hand over my bag only to worry if it will show up at the same place and at the same time that I do. I like flinging my bag on my back and being boat/bus/hike ready.  All of that is true when I travel.  Most of it is also true for my emotional baggage.  I like that I'm not being crushed under the weight of past hurts. I feel that I've learned from past mistakes, I acknowledge their role in shaping who I am now, and importantly who I date now..

I usually say that I got out of a marriage about as well as anyone could. No kids, we sold or split the rest of the "things" we had together.  I went to see a psychiatrist even when he wouldn't.  I made peace with my decisions, let myself off the hook for some of the bad ones, resolved to make fewer bad ones in the future and enjoy my life.

Right now, most of my dates are from online sites.  For better or worse, that means I can filter who I date with a simple check box.  While there currently isn't a "beard" or "no beard" box to check, I do filter out men with kids.  Kids is a level of baggage that some with staff and ex's and and and  . . . .WHOA. I don't even know if I want my own yet but I'm sure that at this point, I don't want someone else's.  They may be great kids (because doesn't everyone think their own kids are great?) but they come with an ex-wife or ex-gf who is permanently attached to them.

I'll have you know I had some great visuals, but for the second post in a row, I can't upload pictures again!  ARGH, damn you Blogger!  --UPDATE: HAH! I found a work around!

Date Wait

This is, in most ways, coupled with the post called "Procrastin-hater".  If you haven't read it, click here. 

How long do you wait?

Classic example:
Farm Boy and I had a great first date.  Great enough that I could even overlook the beard enough for a second date.  We went out for dinner and drinks.  We laughed, we talked, there were no awkward silences, no red flags.Three days later we had a second date. It was the holidays, we were both free and seemingly enjoying each others company. We even saw each other the day after that.

And then . . .

Well, not nothing. He texts every day or two. He has to work and be up early for work.  Then he was sick.  He said he'd like to see me again, soon. That was in a text four days ago.  Since then there hasn't been a plan, a suggestion, an asking for a date.

I finally asked.  Not a "Friday at 7pm at The Restaurant" but more like "dinner and/or a movie soon?"

The reply?  Maybe I'm still tired.

How long is a girl to sit around and wait?  While I don't think that references to princesses, thinking the likes of rapunzel or sleeping beauty, are appropriate, I hate waiting around to be asked.

Now, before you women's lib folks get your panties all in a bunch, if you're wearing any, let me say I have asked in the past. And that folks, does not work.  At least not in the realm of online dating.  maybe 2% of the time that I message first or ask them out online, there's a reply.  Most of those replies are of the "thanks but no thanks" variety.  Men who say they love it when women ask them out might be truthful, but I'm skeptical. Or the women asking men out thing pans out much better in movies or reality than online.

A girl is then left to wait


and wait


and wait

to be contacted. And then you're left with the options of whoever emails you! I claim to be neither God's gift to men, nor a deformed troll from under a bridge, but at least half of the guys who message me are a no right off.  Some aren't physically attractive to me, some are obviously not going to be a match simply based on their interests or poor grasp of the English language. It's making me wonder why I continue with online dating. Then I realize it accounts for roughly 80% of my dates in the last year.

Holiday Lonlies

The holidays are tough.  The shopping, parking, the chaos, cooking, family, the long cold dark days . . . .Do I need to continue? It almost makes even agnostic/semi-atheistic folks like myself glad that the Christian propaganda machine co-opted a mid-winter holiday that's taken over the globe.

The holidays are tough for the folks who have family.  Now, in some way, we all have family.  There are three basic family types when I think about it. 
* The first is your given family.  They are the people who raised you, potentially genetic relations, potentially adoptive relations. 
* The second is a family you choose.  I have a handful of close friends who are my family.  Especially when living overseas, this kind of family is common and necessary. When you live far away from your given family, you need other people to make your life abroad.  These are the people that you depend on, who bring you soup when you are sick, who celebrate your birthday with you, who cry along with you and then drink along with you.
* The third family is the one you make, i.e. marriage, relationships and procreation/adoption. Obvious! Also, one I don't have at the mo.

Holidays exacerbate a situation for people are lacking family.  I think of myself as a friendly, active person with people in her life.  That said, this holiday season, my given family (what little of it I have) were away.  My chosen family are, for the most part, in other countries and other parts of this country.  E was my rock as he hosted brunch on Christmas.  He is the Star of Bethlehem in my Christmas story this year.  Other than that, no one was around.  Not for fault of their own, I'm not blaming them.  It's impossible to pluck a friend from Madrid, a few from Jakarta, one from California, etc, etc, until we get the "beam me up" style technology I keep hoping for. All that considered, I had pangs of loneliness and twinges of depression.

Apparently, I am not the only one.  I had a few first dates in December.  I thought I was doing pretty well only to find out that a couple of my friends had even more dates.  One girlfriend had about seven dates in two weeks.  Another male friend had so many I couldn't keep them straight as he was telling me about them.  How did I not know that December was dating gold?

Granted, the results don't seem to be any better (or worse) than dating any other time of the year. Santa didn't bring me Mr. Fantastic this year.  I didn't stumble into him while Christmas shopping rom-com style. But, as I always advocate, meeting more people means that the laws of averages have to bend in your favor at some point!

I am interested to see what happens now, after the new year has sprung and we are in the marshlands between NYE and Valentine's Day. Will the dates continue? Will men lay low until after cupid has disappeared for another year?  In the meantime, keep your fingers crossed as the last of the holiday cheer runs its course. Another first day next week!

Procrastin-hater

If you message me via a dating site, I expect that you are interested in meeting. Actually in person.   I am not the kind of woman who wants to message endlessly.  You have a window of opportunity to ask me out.  It doesn't have to be the first time you message, though that is acceptable.  If it's been two weeks and there has not been a set date, we're done and I'm moving on. The one exception is that one of the two of us is out of town. You still have to have asked within two weeks, but it could be a bit farther out that we meet.

I've met a few procrastinators lately.  One guy started messaging me and after a few messages we set a day, a Tuesday. I was working in West Seattle, he was working in Bellevue.  After work drinks then. I asked on Saturday when and where we wanted to meet. He said he wanted to leave it loose.  I said ok.  Monday evening I messaged again and got a message that said, we'll just leave it til tomorrow. . . oh and by the way, I have a networking thing until 8:30. My response: 1 - it's within 24 hours, no more leaving it loose.  And 2 - WTF? now you mention you have plans? I'm not sitting around after work for three hours for you to wrap up a networking event. Oh, all the sudden the networking event can be skipped.  Can we still me?

No.

Some people might call me a bitch.  I call it demanding to be treated with respect.  You wouldn't expect your friends to wait around for you without a plan.  It's disrespectful of my time and plans to  "leave things loose".  You are assuming I have nothing else to do but wait around for you and fit my lief into your schedule.

Don't do that.

He was just the worst offender, but not the only procrastinator as of late.

The real kicker? He messaged Wednesday, after I didn't see him Tuesday.  He apologized and said he was sorry things didn't work out. Maybe coffee later in the week.  I left the possibility open.  We talked about Saturday.  Again, he didn't set any details.  I finally got a text a noon on Saturday asking to meet at 3pm.  Really?  Seriously? I haven't bothered to write anything since.

Interviews as Sexless Dates

Interviewing is like dating companies or recruiters.

You meet them online.  The first thing a smart girl does is google them and really give their profile on linkedin or careerbuilder a good once (or twice) over. I carefully consider the possibility it will be a good match.  Then, if we both see fit, we schedule an interview/date.

I dress up, spending time to look my best. I arrive a little early with butterflies in my stomach as  I face the semi-known. The interview/date starts with handshakes, small talk, and eases into more meaningful conversation. The next period of time flies by in a rush of nerves, questions, eye contact, nervous laughter.

Well. . .it's getting late. . .I should go . . .

We exchange niceties, shake hands, and part ways.  The drive home provides time for my racing mind to unravel what just happened.  Did they say that? What did that mean?  How does that mesh with my expectations and wants?  I call a friend to go over all the gory details and make a plan to go forward.  Pros and cons are laid out. Options suggested and considered. 

If it went well, I walk away with adrenaline rushing, a smile on my face and hope in my heart. Then it's just like dating.  I wait to get an email or phone call.  It never comes soon enough.  I both want the call to come and dread it.  If they aren't interested, it's a call that may never come because no one ever man's up and just says "that was a good interview/date but it's not quite what I am looking for.  Good luck in your search". No one can be bothered to let someone know, gently and nicely.  It's easier to vanish.

If it didn't, go so well then they end up on here as a tale to tell.

General Date Fail Times Three

I've written about specific dating scenarios that went poorly.  There have been cringe worthy interactions, some that might have left you (and definitely left me) scratching my head. This is not that.  This is a scenario that's happened more than once, more than twice.  It's one I know you've all had. Here's how it would go:

I met Jon online.  His profile didn't make me jump up and run around but I like to give guys the benefit of the doubt. I've met some guys that are much more interesting and magnetic in person than they appear online. We emailed through the site then started texting.  We met in person.

He's nice, he's funny, he's gainfully employed, he's mildly funny, but. . . there's no spark.  On paper, he's a good maybe even a great guy.  He would probably be a great date and potentially a great boyfriend.  The catch is that there aren't any butterflies in my stomach.  I don't want to end the date with a make-out session. I could see that he would be a good friend, an activity partner, a whatever. 

What is it about the unknown, barely describable "thing" that someone must have?  It's an unmesurable, invisible quantity yet it's so important that I've had three first dates with good guys that I didn't see again because we didn't click.

Do you, fair reader, reckon that you can manufacture the "it" factor? That that "thing" can develop over time?

Ghosts

I blogged before about the disappearing act.  Now for act two . . . the eerie reappearance.

"You're Gay right?" We had one not great first date (hey, that rhymes!) months ago.  Last week I get a text message that says , and I quote, "Hey! What r you up to? Can we hang out tonight? Call/txt me:)" Ummm, say whhaaaaaa???!?!  It's been months, MONTHS. Is it a genetic mutation that makes guys think they can be out of touch for a while and then pop up again and women will fall all over themselves to go out?

"Coincidence" keeps popping back up.  I don't hear from him for a week and a half and then it's Thursday night and he wants to get together on Friday.  Methinks someone doesn't want to be alone on Friday night.

There was "Babe" who was at the friend's wedding I was in.  I should probably be ashamed to admit this, but since I didn't sleep with him, I'm not.  It took about three minutes of conversation before I placed him, and then another couple hours before I remembered his name.  Now, granted, it was just before the ceremony. I was in the wedding and worried about making sure things were going right. He was in a suit, so very different from the jeans and t shirt on our date.  Saved by the ceremony, I only had to slog through five minutes of small talk.

Does this strike anyone else as creepy?  One of the features of these dating sites is that you can see who looked at your profile.  There are a couple guys that regularly check my online dating profiles. One of them emails me about twice a month with a riveting "hello" and rarely has more than one or two words to say, which is why I gave up on him. "Man Up!" does it too.  He blew me off and now checks my profile weekly.  WTF?  Is there a train of logic here that I'm not seeing?

The All or Nothing Hex

When it rains it pours.

It was raining men (hallelujah). Now it's a drought.

I've come to believe that life is all about ebbs and flows. Dating is one big example of this.  In the months since I returned to Seattle my dating life has been all or nothing.  First there was nothing, then I had a rush of a few dates, then nothing.  Lately has been busier than an elf in November.  I was getting emails from guys on the dating site, several had switched over to texting, I was out on several dates a week for a couple weeks.  Since I was also still busy with friends and other commitments, every day of my agenda was booked. 

Now the downhill side of the mountain. I've finally taken a couple nights off. . .from life.  I came home from work last night and was just at home.  I needed to recoup.  That was my choice.  The bit that's not my choice is my dating life also tapering off.

A couple of the guys that I was texting have dropped off (remember online dating is a filtering process), but none that I was too upset to lose.  A couple I've been texting haven't taken the initiative to ask for a date.  One or two that I've seen once haven't asked for a second date but continue to text.  One guy I've seen three times now but I can't tell what's happening with him. In three dates he hasn't even tried to kiss me, but we did hold hands, sooooo . . . ????

I know the ebb is inevitable after the flow, but it's still always a bummer. The "bum" will wear off in a couple days and I'll be back to a neutral realm of not dating but not caring too much about it. 

I have no upcoming dates scheduled, but a wedding to be in.  I'd rather reverse that  I think.

Date Fail #9 - Aye, aye Captain.

If you live on a boat, you should tell people you live on a boat.  That is an important bit of information for someone who is considering dating you.  Having a boat is not the same as having a boat that is also your house. I'm not talking about a house boat either.  I'm talking about a motor boat that you live on.

A couple of weeks ago I had a first date with "Union". We'd talked a couple times on the phone the week before the date.  He was pleasant, interesting, he got points for putting some thought into where we were going to eat.

He picked me up and looked nothing like his profile photos.  That wasn't entirely bad since those photos were a bit cryptic but it wasn't good either.  Anyone who knows me has probably heard my homeless lumberjack beard rant.  Union didn't have a beard  that qualified but he did have a beard.  I am not a beard girl.

He also showed up in cowboy boots.  (eyebrow raised).  Not an immediate disqualifier but something to note.  As we drove to Seattle I couldn't help but notice that he looks like a Norwegian Fishing boat captain. Well, at least what I thought a stereotypical one would look like. He had a deep side part, a full but tidy beard, short teeth with little spaces between them and was in need of a navy coat.  Sort of a cross between this:

and this:

but blonde and mid-thirties which also needs some of  this:

The date was fine.  Good conversation, great Indian food. We scaled Queen Anne hill to go to a cool bar.  After the bar I was ready to go home but he insisted on showing me his boat.  Now there had been mentions of the boat before, but what he failed to mention is that it was where he is living and by taking me to the boat he was essentially taking me to his place. 

We didn't spark like I would want and the presumption to take me home to a non-house home in a sneaky way so I didn't realize that was what was happening?  Not cool.  I demonstrated my exhaustion, which wasn't feigned, and finally got him to take me home.

One half-assed text three days later from him and my reply a day after that means we can add him to the list of first dates.

A Canceled Week - Date Fail #8.2, 8.5 and 8.8

I've learned over the years not to get too attached to plans I make because they are often more fluid than I realized. Everything is subject to change and being back in a first world country doesn't make plans more solid than when I was in Indonesia. This week has been a reminder of that.

I may have jinxed myself by posting a facebook status about my plans this week.  I updated my status to say "Four dates in five days, what could go wrong?"   O, how I know the answer to that question.  Tempting fate really.

For an explanation of Mondays events, see the "Date Fail #6 - Man up!" blog.  He didn't so much cancel as totally flake out.  Tuesday my plans were with my sister and her partner.  They didn't cancel but I nearly didn't make it.  Obama came to town and that shut the freeway into town.  A ride that usually takes forty-five minutes took and hour and a half.  I arrived just before the play started.

Wednesday was to be date two.  He had the sense to text at least.  It was the classic " Long day, tired, blah, blah, raincheck blah". Sure, I'll give you one more chance but I am not going to cancel my other dates while I wait for you.  I just might meet Mr. Fantastic before I meet you. Case in point, another guy I'd been texting messaged that night to ask what I was up to.  When I mention that my plans had fallen through we found a lucky coincidence that his had too.  Sub in another first date!  This isn't one I'll talk much about other than to say it went well and I think a follow up date is in the works. 

Thursday was a girls date night.  The girls made it despite the car fire that delayed them.  The girls are proving to be more steady.

Friday was going to be first date number three.  He had thumb surgery the day before and I I suspected, was still more under the weather than he thought on Friday.  Raincheck, sure.  NEXT!!!

Saturday, first date number four,  is going to be another short entry because the date went great.  I was starting to wonder if I would ever have a great date but I did.  Again, I hope date two is in the works so I'm keeping a bit mum.

Today wraps up the week.  I have first day number five on the schedule but it's still  two and a half hours until we meet so anything can happen.

Date Fail #7 - The Vanishing Act(s)

I don't know if the guys I'm meeting are closet magicians but a surprising number of them disappear.

A benefit of online dating that I've just recently realized is that it filters out some guys.  If they email and email but never ask for your number - DONE.

If they get your number and text but never ask you out or make plans -DONE.

If they make plans and never follow through - DONE.

What is it about guys that make them think they can totally disappear for a couple weeks, then text again and I'll jump up excited to hear from them?  Do I look like a puppy? (Don't answer that.) If you want someone you can ignore who still thinks your amazing, get a dog.  If you're really interested in seeing me, don't vanish.

I will regale you with an example of the vanishing act:

"Moto" and I met online.  Started texting and talking on the phone, an act that always earns a bonus point.  If you remember you can call and not just text, you're moving up the ranks already.

We went out on a first date of go kart racing and mini golf. He turned up just as represented in his profile, another nice surprise though it shouldn't be.  It's amazing how short six foot often is, eye roll. At the end of the date we hugged and said we should do it again.  The next week was a Mariners game.  Good time, good convo.  At the end there was another "we should do this again".  In a text a couple days later we set up for Tuesday after Memorial day.

Tuesday came and went without a text, a call, a carrier pigeon.  Ok, wrote him off.  Whatever.

Then comes the reappearing act.  Three weeks later I get a text on a Friday evening asking if I wanted to get together for billiards that night.  Needless to say I already had plans.  Then a week later I got another text that just said "Just checking in to say hi". 

That's a head scratcher.  He'd blown off our date, hadn't talked to me in weeks but felt the need to check in??  Huh.  Um. Oooookkaaaaaayyyyyy.

If you drop off the face of the earth while it's still the "courting" part of our relationship, don't bother calling four weeks later.  The only take away I get from that is that you didn't find me an adqeuate match, which is your right and decision, but after several more weeks of looking you don't find anyone else who is a better match so you scroll through your old messages, stumble upon my name and hope that I won't remember you blew me off for something better.

This isn't a single act of disappearance. I've had a couple other dates show that maybe there are more magicians out there than I thought.  Expect to read about those in the next couple posts.

Date Fail #6 - Man Up!

I usually wait a couple weeks between when the date fail happens and when I blog about it just in case.  In case he stumbles on the blog and recognizes himself.  In case we do end up hitting it off, we won't have a Jennifer Aniston romantic comedy style fail. Mostly, just in case.

Today ticked me off enough that I'm blogging about it today.

B.E. messaged me through an online dating site.  He's younger, not really my physical type but I try to give guys the benefit of the doubt online.  Sometimes charisma doesn't transmit over the internet well. We talked a bit on there and he asked what it would take to talk to me.  I hinted he might need to ask for something and then he got the clue to ask for my number.  Maybe that was MY first hint.


We've been texting for over a week.  He finally asked to see me last week.  I tend to book my schedule a week in advance so I told him that today, Monday, was my first free day.  He balked at it until I told him politely but concisely that if he wanted the option he should act soon.  He confirmed that same day.  He's been texting daily since.  Mostly the "how was your day" kind of chatter.  I have randomly received two pictures of him, head shots, looking nearly identical with kind of a plastic quality.  The only other photos were of racehorses. (puzzled face)


Today was to be our date. He'd messaged Saturday, he messaged yesterday.  Today?  Nothing.  I get a message at 730pm that just said "Batman was intense".  I finally messaged back a couple hours later and he gave me a line about not hearing from me to make plans.  HE asked ME out, therefore he should make the plans.  If I asked him, I'd make plans.  I wished him well and won't message him again.  His response? You weren't a match, don't take it personally.  Oh honey.  If you only knew that I don't give much a shit about you. We've never even met.

I am going to occasionally slip in TIPS TO MEN FOR DATING, as I did in a recent post.  My very obvious tip? If you are interested and she's emailing/texting you back, don't wait to long to make a date. Find your cojones and ask, then make a plan.

The year of a thousand first dates

That might be a little bit of an exaggeration.  Maybe I should rename the blog the year of a hundred first dates.  I've been back in the States just over four months now and I'm making the most of the time in all realms, including dating.  I debated about writing on really personal stuff, aka dating and relationships, for a while before posting this.  I've allowed glimpses of my relationship disasters in the past.  I may be a bit gun shy due to lousy romantic comedies (which I have boycotted for years) that presume anyone I meet will stumble on this blog, realize I've written about them and calamity will ensue. The good news for all of you is that I'm not meeting many promising options so as they fall by the wayside I have new batches of stories.

Work has really ramped up and I refuse to sacrifice my social/active life leaving me little time for blogging. I'll try to run down the dates one or two at a time, hopefully allowing me to blog quickly and often.  Since I've decided to blog about the dates, I'll have to go back and start from the beginning in March. Today's installment is Preggers.

I met preggers at a Meetup event.  It was a bar night meet n greet.  We chatted about work, why he'd move to Seattle, yadda, yadda. By nights end some four hours later at 1:30 am he was trying very hard to convince me to stay "on his sofa" for the night. Eyebrow raised, riiiight. he got my number (before the drunken persuasion began) and we parted ways.  A date was made for a week or so in the future and we met at Japonesa, a Japanese-Mexican fusion restaurant.  The conversation was middle of the road and the night wrapped up with a good night kiss, but me driving to my house alone.

Pregger text me a lot.  I've learned I'm not a needy girl and if anything I tend to shy away from someone who calls or texts multiple times a day everyday, especially at the beginning of things.  Some from him were "how was your day" style, some were "it's ten pm, come over". Some were unusual. Preggers text me from San Fran where he was visiting some friends. He said he'd had a meal of Indian food.  I asked if it was good and he said "I feel pregnant".  Not I feel stuffed, or like i have a food baby (also slightly suspect) but I feel pregnant.  Now if he were Mr. Fantastic I could over look it but this was the straw the broke the camels back.  I wasn't sold before that point and left shopping to others after.

DATE #1, FAIL.