Friday, March 15, 2013

How Not To Do Anything

get a migraine. 

That stops the world.

The US National Library of Medicine says:
A migraine is a common type of headache that may occur with symptoms such as nausea, vomiting, or sensitivity to light. In many people, a throbbing pain is felt only on one side of the head.
Some people who get migraines have warning symptoms, called an aura, before the actual headache begins. An aura is a group of symptoms, including vision disturbances, that are a warning sign that a bad headache is coming. Also see Tension Headache, Cluster Headache.
Most images online for Migraines look like this.
Anyone who suffers (and I don't use that verb lightly) from migraines knows that the definition should really be:
A headache that creeps in, usually behind the eyes, near the sinus, that will blow any plans you had out of the water because you can't even think straight enough to spell your own name, let alone accomplish a meaningful task or interaction with another living being.  Symptoms include pain that feels like someone drove a railroad spike through your eye, a quartet of trolls banging on your brain with Acme hammers, tunnel vision, ringing or popping ears, and an overwhelming desire to curl up into a ball and die. Occasionally, my teeth, face and soul hurt too.
I think this is a much more accurate representation.
Suggested solutions include: taking over-the-counter painkillers like acetaminophen, ibuprofen and the like, putting a drop of peppermint oil on one's forehead, placing an ice pack on one's head, lying in a cool, dark room, taking B-12, magnesium, riboflavin and all sort of various weeds and homeopathic things that you'd never keep on hand and definitely can't manage to go out and get when you are suffering from a migraine. Also, none of those sites note what happens if you take all those vitamins/supplements together.

More realistic solutions only suggested by victims of migraines, not rational people who treat them, include but are not limited to: dropping an anvil on one's head, a la Looney tunes, a lobotomy, medicating with marijuana until one passes out  or jumping off a bridge . . .a HIGH bridge.

Websites also give you all sorts of "helpful" information about how to avoid getting a migraine.  IF I COULD DO THAT I WOULDN'T BE GOOGLING "HOW TO TREAT A MIGRAINE" NOW WOULD I??!!

I had a headache Wednesday night as I went to bed and thought it was from the bottle of wine I shared over dinner. It was still hanging on Thursday morning and over the course of the day, despite drinking caffeine, water, taking pain pills including codeine and trying both fresh air and exercise as well as being a lump, nothing worked and it turned into a migraine.  If I can get to bed at night, I can often short circuit the migraine and wake up feeling better.  But not today. Today I woke up at 1:26am and went down for an ice pack. I work again at 4:38 for a second one and more drugs. And of course, today is the day everyone and their cousin wants to text and fb me so I woke to a Ping, PING, PING and a semi conscious thought that if I just ripped my eye out, I could massage whatever it was behind it that was making me miserable.

This is why there wasn't a blog yesterday.  This may be why there isn't a blog tomorrow.  For those of you living in the Seattle area,  if there isn't a blog again in the next three days, call the authorities.  I've surely gone to war with the hammer-swinging trolls.

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