Baggage Theory

No one gets to thirty without some baggage.  Even those among us who have had less than a thousand first dates.

I've narrowed my philosophy on this one this:

I'm looking for someone who has carry on baggage, not checked.

I've traveled quite a bit so the analogy speaks to that experience.
Carry on baggage means:
you know how to travel light. Work with what you've got.  You're willing to do laundry instead of carry extra clothes. You prefer to fly through the airport, only arriving an hour before your flight, and know how to get through security without setting off a metal detector.

Checked baggage means:
You favor stuff over the mobility to do stuff.  You are potentially inexperienced, taking everything with you, instead of making do and letting go. You have to spend lots of time waiting both to check and retrieve your stuff.

I'm divorced.  That's a phrase I don't say often.  I'm not embarrassed by it.  I'm not proud of it.  But it honestly doesn't come up often in my life.  I usually make a point of mentioning it to people I'm dating/friends at some point.  It has to be a conscientious mention because it never comes up otherwise. He's not in my life, at all.  That's not hyperbole.  When I left, after the paperwork was done, the house was sold, the things divided, I left. I believe when you split from someone, there's usually a very good reason.  I had my reasons.  I still believe they were the right ones, that I was justified. Few people get to know the whole story.

I'm proud of the fact that my baggage is carry on. Maybe it's because I've evolved as I've traveled.  I take less stuff.  I won't break my back to have an extra change of clothes.  I know that if I forget my ________ (toothbrush, flip flops, etc) I can buy them there.  I know it's easier to buy liquids like shampoo wherever I'm going. I like not waiting in line to hand over my bag only to worry if it will show up at the same place and at the same time that I do. I like flinging my bag on my back and being boat/bus/hike ready.  All of that is true when I travel.  Most of it is also true for my emotional baggage.  I like that I'm not being crushed under the weight of past hurts. I feel that I've learned from past mistakes, I acknowledge their role in shaping who I am now, and importantly who I date now..

I usually say that I got out of a marriage about as well as anyone could. No kids, we sold or split the rest of the "things" we had together.  I went to see a psychiatrist even when he wouldn't.  I made peace with my decisions, let myself off the hook for some of the bad ones, resolved to make fewer bad ones in the future and enjoy my life.

Right now, most of my dates are from online sites.  For better or worse, that means I can filter who I date with a simple check box.  While there currently isn't a "beard" or "no beard" box to check, I do filter out men with kids.  Kids is a level of baggage that some with staff and ex's and and and  . . . .WHOA. I don't even know if I want my own yet but I'm sure that at this point, I don't want someone else's.  They may be great kids (because doesn't everyone think their own kids are great?) but they come with an ex-wife or ex-gf who is permanently attached to them.

I'll have you know I had some great visuals, but for the second post in a row, I can't upload pictures again!  ARGH, damn you Blogger!  --UPDATE: HAH! I found a work around!

Are We There Yet?

Or alternately titled "When is this flipping winter going to be over?"

It's my first full winter back in the Seattle area in five  years.  It's also the first winter back here since living in Indonesia, an EQUATORIAL country where average high and low temperatures don't vary much.  Take a look. low of 75 degrees Fahrenheit in December. Seattle on the other hand, looks a little different.

I grew up near Seattle.  I know that the fall and winter and spring are generally long gray dreary days/weeks/months. I've learned to combat the cold with long underwear that I wear all the time, everyday under my pants. What surprised me this year was what trouble I had with the dark and the gloom.

At the height (or low point?) or winter, the sun sets about four in the afternoon.  When I was working in West Seattle from 8am to 5pm for two weeks in December, I never saw the sun.I never saw what little bit of daylight we had because let's be honest, there wasn't any sun.  The same was true during my contract the first three weeks of October.  We actually had some lovely weather then and I didn't see any of it, minus ten minutes through a window. It's dark when I get up, it's dark when I drive to work, it's dark when I drive home, it's dark when I go to bed.

This is what people mean when they say Seattle takes some getting used to.  That it's a city with lots of people with Seasonal Affective Disorder*. I actually noted the Winter Solstice this year and there was much rejoicing amongst the clinic staff where I was as we all both celebrated the fact that the days would now officially be getting longer, and commiserated that they would get longer very, very slowly.

The first week of January there were a couple of days that were bitterly, painfully cold.  I know because I was out in them.  Why you might wonder? Because it was sunny.  There were three or four days that were about thirty degrees but the skies were a brilliant, shiny, sunny, wonderful . . . they were blue.  A captivating, hope-inspiring blue. I'll give up ten degrees to see the sun.

I went out for an hour walk. I went snow shoeing three times, I laid with my dog in the sunny spot on the carpet. Alright, bring on 2013.  I'm recharged and ready. Here you thought I was kidding when I said I was solar powered!

* Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is a kind of depression that occurs at a certain time of the year, usually in the winter. SAD may begin during the teen years or in adulthood. Like other forms of depression, it occurs more often in women than in men. People who live in places with long winter nights are at greater risk for SAD. A less common form of the disorder involves depression during the summer months.

Snowshoeing Sales Pitch

"Cheaper than skiing and harder work too!"

"Gets you away from those pesky lodges" (with their hot toddys and roaring fireplaces)

 Insert commercial. Don't use the traditional an attractive blonde slaloming down the slopes, hair blowing out behind her, snug fitting ski suit. Instead, pan to a group of late forty to late fifty year olds in mismatched gear, trudging the the snow with their hair plastered down with sweat.

No wonder more people ski.

I haven't necessarily been one to follow the beaten path in life so maybe that's why snowshoeing is a good fit for me.

It's slower than skiing.  It's even slower than hiking, unless you can find a nice little hill to slide down on your tush in the midst of snowshoeing. I like that you can look around and enjoy the sun, trees, fresh air, without watching for things that you could run into thus ending your life.

It's calmer, for me almost meditative. Especially when breaking trail (walk on new snow and make a trail for your group).  It's such hard work that my mind doesn't wander, it's completely involved in the task at hand. 

It's group reliant, again, especially if your group is going to break trail.  Breaking trail is exhausting and one person can't do it for long by themselves. Snowshoeing also allows for conversation and quiet contemplation each in portion to the group.

I've read that snowshoeing is a growing winter sport here in the Pacific Northwest. I suppose ith the economic downturn, people are less able to afford or justify lift passes and the expenses that go along with skiing. While snowshoeing isn't completely free, I'm paying little to do it this year.  I bought a Sno-Park pass for the season $40.  My snowshoes are about five years old but in great shape.  I did buy a few clearance items (gloves, balaclava) to round out my gear.

My first trip out this season was to Gold Creek, near Snoqualmie ski area. Roughly six or six and a half miles with two good friends, E & Coors, that I know from hiking. On Thursday I joined a meetup group totally fourteen folks and we actually snowshoed Snoqualmie Summit.  We climbed up right under the ski lifts as they weren't open for the day yet.  The total distance was approximately four miles but lots of elevation.  The sky was bright blue, we had lots of sun and the views were unbeatable.  Sunday I've rallied three friends, Coors again, 25 and Tac, to join me for a trail that's a bit farther.  Bear Lake is a two hour drive so here's hoping it's worth it.  The trail is ten miles round trip if we chose to do the full route, but it's relatively flat.

 Trip two was a meetup adventure on Snoqualmie.

Yesterday's trip turned into more an adventure than planned.  We were a group of four (Coors, 25 & 1 other) and headed up to a trail in the Mt. Baker-Snoqualmie National Forest near Granite Falls. Our two plus hour drive didn't pay off as expected since we found very very little snow. A huddle and redirect sent us to Tonga Ridge, near Stevens Pass.  It was an hour reroute but still in the Mt. Baker-Snoq forest. The snow was a bit icy, and got icier as we trekked but it was virtually deserted.  Very beautiful.  The company was excellent as we blended quite trekking with good conversation. I'm still battling my boots as I ripped my blisters open again but I think I've got the rest of my gear and layering sorted out as I wasn't too hot or too cold.

Date Wait

This is, in most ways, coupled with the post called "Procrastin-hater".  If you haven't read it, click here. 

How long do you wait?

Classic example:
Farm Boy and I had a great first date.  Great enough that I could even overlook the beard enough for a second date.  We went out for dinner and drinks.  We laughed, we talked, there were no awkward silences, no red flags.Three days later we had a second date. It was the holidays, we were both free and seemingly enjoying each others company. We even saw each other the day after that.

And then . . .

Well, not nothing. He texts every day or two. He has to work and be up early for work.  Then he was sick.  He said he'd like to see me again, soon. That was in a text four days ago.  Since then there hasn't been a plan, a suggestion, an asking for a date.

I finally asked.  Not a "Friday at 7pm at The Restaurant" but more like "dinner and/or a movie soon?"

The reply?  Maybe I'm still tired.

How long is a girl to sit around and wait?  While I don't think that references to princesses, thinking the likes of rapunzel or sleeping beauty, are appropriate, I hate waiting around to be asked.

Now, before you women's lib folks get your panties all in a bunch, if you're wearing any, let me say I have asked in the past. And that folks, does not work.  At least not in the realm of online dating.  maybe 2% of the time that I message first or ask them out online, there's a reply.  Most of those replies are of the "thanks but no thanks" variety.  Men who say they love it when women ask them out might be truthful, but I'm skeptical. Or the women asking men out thing pans out much better in movies or reality than online.

A girl is then left to wait


and wait


and wait

to be contacted. And then you're left with the options of whoever emails you! I claim to be neither God's gift to men, nor a deformed troll from under a bridge, but at least half of the guys who message me are a no right off.  Some aren't physically attractive to me, some are obviously not going to be a match simply based on their interests or poor grasp of the English language. It's making me wonder why I continue with online dating. Then I realize it accounts for roughly 80% of my dates in the last year.

Holiday Recap

I've just realized that I didn't share any of my holiday goings-on.

I went down to California to visit my mom in November for Thanksgiving so my sister and her partner went south for Christmas.  That meant that I was without biological relatives nearby. Instead of  a family Christmas that looked neither exactly like an animated special or National Lampoon Chrismas:

I had two first dates. One was a nice guy but neither of us wants a relationship with the other.  Strangely enough I think he'll be a good friend.  The second I'm still sorting out.  I saw him twice more over Christmas break.  I'm not sure where it's going, or if it's going, but I'll be sure to keep you up to date.

I went to a friend's German Christmas Eve. There were about eight of us, three Germans, including the host.  The food was fantastic.  It was relaxed and I beat Santa home.

Christmas was brunch by E.  He's probably the best friend I've made this year. We met hiking.  We have a ton in common and we "get" each other. He hosted brunch on Christmas day. There was bacon, which in and of itself would make for a great Christmas.  He also made blueberry waffles and an oven omelet (I'd never had one but it was fantastic), there was coffee and egg nog martinis to boot.  Gal and I were the only timely ones but we made the most of it before a few other scragglers made their way over. 
I usually think of myself as good company for myself.  I forgot how the holidays can kind of screw with your head and was very happy that Germaness and E both provided friendly diversions.

Not a lot between Christmas and New Year's.  A snowshoe trip to be mentioned in a future blog.

I was invited to a Seahawks game on Sunday the 30th.  They are the local NFL (American Football) team and were in contention for the playoffs. They won the game and locked a playoff spot.  The games are fun but usually expensive.  We were about two dozen rows from the top of the stadium, or as 25 said, "three rows from God". I wore long underwear under my long underwear. We met another couple, friends of 25's. Pregame drinks were essential and my choice of A Frenchman in Dublin (like an Irish coffee with Irish cream plus courvoisier) was perfect. While the Hawks didn't play as well as they had been, it was really fun.  I suppose they could only keep averaging 50 points per game for so long.

New Year's Eve was a Monday so everyone had to work . . .except me because I'm still between contracts. 25 and I made plans.  We met and taxied to a restaurant in Fremont called 9 Million in Unmarked Bills.  The decor was fun and welcoming.  Our waiter was on top of things and we never waited long. We were surprised to be there in time for happy hour which didn't end until 7.  The food was stellar.  We shared a selection of crostinis, caprese salad, both veal chorizo and buffalo sliders, and diablo prawns with ricotta pancakes. He had a mint julep.  My winterized old-fashioned (with an apple cider reduction) was brilliant. I think we both agreed we would go back again in a heartbeat.

A two block walk down the street to Nectar where we had tickets to see Eldridge Gravy & the Court Supreme.  It was sold out and a small venue anyway.  The music was as good as expected and very upbeat,lively for the holiday.  There was an intermission with belly dancers that were somewhere between Arabic style and Vegas showgirls. The DJ played lots of old school stuff that got the crowd up and going.  I only had two drinks there an was sober the entire evening.  No, I'm not complaining.  I had a wonderful evening all around.



One sidenote - when we were in line to get in to Nectar, a homeless, Native American man was sitting on the sidewalk with a makeshift drum and cup.  He said hello, so I said hello.  He commented that he'd said hello to everyone in line and I was the only one who had taken a few minutes to talk to him.  Inside Nectar, we were bumped in to by a guy who looked like an old Hell's Angel's biker.  By the time he stumbled by we'd noticed him several times and he was fairly sloshed. That considered, he was very nice and seemed to be more lonely than anything.  25's protective shields went up as the Angel went in for a kiss to thank me for keeping an eye on his jacket (electricians union) later, but I think he was harmless.  Both cases made me think that apparently there is something about me that makes me approachable.  Also, why are so many people ignored and discarded by our society? It makes me double up my commitment to volunteer and help where I can, even if it's simply hello and eye contact.

Holiday Lonlies

The holidays are tough.  The shopping, parking, the chaos, cooking, family, the long cold dark days . . . .Do I need to continue? It almost makes even agnostic/semi-atheistic folks like myself glad that the Christian propaganda machine co-opted a mid-winter holiday that's taken over the globe.

The holidays are tough for the folks who have family.  Now, in some way, we all have family.  There are three basic family types when I think about it. 
* The first is your given family.  They are the people who raised you, potentially genetic relations, potentially adoptive relations. 
* The second is a family you choose.  I have a handful of close friends who are my family.  Especially when living overseas, this kind of family is common and necessary. When you live far away from your given family, you need other people to make your life abroad.  These are the people that you depend on, who bring you soup when you are sick, who celebrate your birthday with you, who cry along with you and then drink along with you.
* The third family is the one you make, i.e. marriage, relationships and procreation/adoption. Obvious! Also, one I don't have at the mo.

Holidays exacerbate a situation for people are lacking family.  I think of myself as a friendly, active person with people in her life.  That said, this holiday season, my given family (what little of it I have) were away.  My chosen family are, for the most part, in other countries and other parts of this country.  E was my rock as he hosted brunch on Christmas.  He is the Star of Bethlehem in my Christmas story this year.  Other than that, no one was around.  Not for fault of their own, I'm not blaming them.  It's impossible to pluck a friend from Madrid, a few from Jakarta, one from California, etc, etc, until we get the "beam me up" style technology I keep hoping for. All that considered, I had pangs of loneliness and twinges of depression.

Apparently, I am not the only one.  I had a few first dates in December.  I thought I was doing pretty well only to find out that a couple of my friends had even more dates.  One girlfriend had about seven dates in two weeks.  Another male friend had so many I couldn't keep them straight as he was telling me about them.  How did I not know that December was dating gold?

Granted, the results don't seem to be any better (or worse) than dating any other time of the year. Santa didn't bring me Mr. Fantastic this year.  I didn't stumble into him while Christmas shopping rom-com style. But, as I always advocate, meeting more people means that the laws of averages have to bend in your favor at some point!

I am interested to see what happens now, after the new year has sprung and we are in the marshlands between NYE and Valentine's Day. Will the dates continue? Will men lay low until after cupid has disappeared for another year?  In the meantime, keep your fingers crossed as the last of the holiday cheer runs its course. Another first day next week!

Procrastin-hater

If you message me via a dating site, I expect that you are interested in meeting. Actually in person.   I am not the kind of woman who wants to message endlessly.  You have a window of opportunity to ask me out.  It doesn't have to be the first time you message, though that is acceptable.  If it's been two weeks and there has not been a set date, we're done and I'm moving on. The one exception is that one of the two of us is out of town. You still have to have asked within two weeks, but it could be a bit farther out that we meet.

I've met a few procrastinators lately.  One guy started messaging me and after a few messages we set a day, a Tuesday. I was working in West Seattle, he was working in Bellevue.  After work drinks then. I asked on Saturday when and where we wanted to meet. He said he wanted to leave it loose.  I said ok.  Monday evening I messaged again and got a message that said, we'll just leave it til tomorrow. . . oh and by the way, I have a networking thing until 8:30. My response: 1 - it's within 24 hours, no more leaving it loose.  And 2 - WTF? now you mention you have plans? I'm not sitting around after work for three hours for you to wrap up a networking event. Oh, all the sudden the networking event can be skipped.  Can we still me?

No.

Some people might call me a bitch.  I call it demanding to be treated with respect.  You wouldn't expect your friends to wait around for you without a plan.  It's disrespectful of my time and plans to  "leave things loose".  You are assuming I have nothing else to do but wait around for you and fit my lief into your schedule.

Don't do that.

He was just the worst offender, but not the only procrastinator as of late.

The real kicker? He messaged Wednesday, after I didn't see him Tuesday.  He apologized and said he was sorry things didn't work out. Maybe coffee later in the week.  I left the possibility open.  We talked about Saturday.  Again, he didn't set any details.  I finally got a text a noon on Saturday asking to meet at 3pm.  Really?  Seriously? I haven't bothered to write anything since.