Dodged a Bullet

Portland is off the table.

.    .     .    .     .


That was my sigh of relief you heard. While the option to move somewhere new and different always has an appeal, I'm not sure Portland and I would have been a match made in heaven.  More that we would have ended up on Maury Povich arguing about who hated who first and ending with one of use tackled by the security staff.  I'm not saying if it would have been PDX or me, but it would have been ugly.

After two days there I looked Danielle in the eye and said "I don't think I can move here".  She laughed and I reiterated with "No really.  I think it might be too much".  I moved to Spain a Catholic country with a pace that's glacial for any meaningful business, i.e. banking, official paperwork processing. I live in Indonesia, the world's largest Muslim country where I was awakened every day for months by the call to prayer of the mosque. Traffic meant it could take two hours to go four miles and the only beer was Heineken and it's local equivalent Bintang. I've spent weeks in countries where everything bites and the temperature and humidity are the same number.  I think I draw the line at Portland.

Here are some snippets of the notes I made on the music agenda. A lot of these seem to be directed at the hipsters, so only take them to heart if you are a hipster. And if you are, message me to seek treatment.

The 80's are gone.  Either know that you loved them and let them go or know that you will never get it because you're 15 and your elders are (or should be) wise enough not to allow you to repeat their mistakes.

There is one Zoey Deschanel. You aren't her.

There are lots of guys who look like pictures of my uncle from thirty years ago - a big, bad, dark beard, floppy semi-curly hair, skinny to the point of needing force feeding. He had thick black framed glasses, a strong Jewish nose (hey, I've got it too), and a general air of nerdy/unstylish. It wasn't good then I'd imagine, it was hilarious as kids when we saw the pictures and it's not ideal now. His style has changed, so should yours.

Why do you look so gay but bring your girlfriend to the concert?  If I saw you in Seattle, you 5'5" man in tight pink knee length shorts, white ironic/graphic tank, comb over, bracelet, purple raybans, teal keds with ankle socks, I would know you were at home in Seattle, probably Capitol Hill. In PDX, you insist on dragging your beard girlfriend around though neither of you exchange a word or seem attached to each other.

Come to think of it, most of you hipsters don't seem attached to anything.  You are decidedly detached from emotional response.  I don't know if you're all high or have spent too many years abusing your livers but I swear a smile or facial expression is a normal part of existence.

I realize that burning bras had it's day.  As far as I know, bras are plentiful.  There are lots of them around in different colors and styles and price ranges.  There is no excuse then to go without.  Floppy and wiggly is something that should be saved for jello molds. Bright pink bras should go under bright shirts, not flimsy white ones. Bra straps are not a fashion accessory despite what some magazines and manufacturers produce. If you are wearing a tube top, buy a strapless bra. That's a requirement not a suggestion.

Clothes shouldn't be so tight as to appear painted on nor so loose that you could fit your significant other in them as well.

Men - get your hair situation together.  Fuzzy chests with deep V's, mustaches of the 70's/porn star variety, facial hair that is patchy and a bit all over, Bieber hair, overcolored/overtreated and there fore thinner than thread.  Men in headbands.  Not even for Fernando, sorry Meghan. Sort all that out.  I'm about this close to putting a no facial hair clause in my online profiles because there are so few who pull it off, but I don't want to open the door for 6'2'', 318lbs guys to have a go at me because I hate their beard. Not that I couldn't take 'em. . . I just don't have the time or interest.

Was there a great flood in Portland in the last two years?  Everyone cuffs everything.  Jeans, pants, skirts, shorts. I get that when you're on a bike you cuff the right leg so it doesn't get greasy in the chain but I stopped trying to count people walking around with cuffed pants.  Either manufacturers need to make a PDX specific cut that is short enough for all the flood-fearers or there need to be group information sessions about the correct pant lengths.  Folded up so it's three inches above your ankle (and your legs are the most horrifying white) is not appropriate.

Why can't you afford a shave and a haircut but you can spend thousands of dollars of lots of often lousy tattoos? I have a few tattoos.  I have plans for a couple more but being in Portland for long would be enough to put me off tats forever.  I don't think I've ever seen so many neck tats.  Lots of full sleeves and lots of generally globby tats. I started getting mine when not every person had one, now Portlanders are getting enough for everyone.

Single soul examples of fashion disasters:
Male, 30's, 5'5''-5'6'' pork pie hat, floppy side part ahir, waxed mustache, wife beater tank top in white, nylon baskeball shorts in black past the knee, long, dark argyle socks, leather "dress" shoes like a lot of middle school boys wear when they have to dress up.

Male, 35ish, 5'9'', short sleeve plai button up, beard, BCGs (see previous post), black low top chucks, flatbilled baseball hat, raybans, skinny jean that was too short, black socks.

Female, early 20's, 5'7'', skort dress in bright purple,  blue raybans, keds, long stick strait hair with a leatherband with feathers on it tied around her head just above her eyebrows.

Overall I found Portlanders in need of mending, ironing, shaving, trimming, washing and general tidying up. I think I left Portland with a virus, one that has left me with little defense against "the hipster".  It may have long lasting effects; we shall have to wait and see.

Last two only vaguely related thoughts:
As I get older, 21 seems to be getting younger.  The shows I saw at the Crystal Ballroom had two sections in front of the stage, one of which was a 21 and over bar section.  There were folks in there that make me double take.  Not just a couple that I could assume had snuck in but heaps.  Apparently I'm not old enough to want to question the young whippersnappers about their id.

Drummers are proof that men can multi-task.  Based on some of the bands I've seen recently I should expand that to musicians.  I saw one performer from Beirut switch from a trombone to a tuba to a guitar.  Another in Royal Cannoe played a keyboard, a synthesizer, a guitar and a tambourine. I doff my hat to you all.

Sigh, hipsters

This is the blog post that I have been putting off for over a week.  Danielle, here it finally is.  I was avoiding it because I know it's going to get me all riled up.  To be honest, if it didn't, I wouldn't do the post any justice because it made me riled up enough to take notes in Portland so I could rage in blog form.

Hipsters.

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUgggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

ok, now, where to begin.  I used to think that Seattle and Portland weren't so very different.  I've heard Portland compared to Seattle of twenty years ago, that's PDX is SEA's little brother. It's definitely not the city I remember from a few short trips there over the years.  And it's not Seattle. 

Immediate reactions: It's white.  REALLY white.  The official figures say that PDX is about 97% white and that the 3% racial diversity exists in just one or two neighborhoods.

It's a social city.  There are probably more bars and restaurants per capita in the city than any I've been to.  They are for the most part very new or remodeled, with interesting food but similar style choices.

Seattle is by it's nature a casual city.  Polar fleece is an acceptable accessories in all seasons and nearly all venues. REI probably sells as many articles of clothing as JC Penneys. Gortex is a necessity, if not a sleek clothing choice.  I usually feel a bit overdressed when I go out, but I'm ok with that.  I would rather be the most put together person in the bar than another disastrous hiker/biker/Seattle action figure who forgot to change after the days outing. Portland takes casual and poorly dressed to a new level. They don't make the small but important distinction between functional wear and appropriate wear.  Seattleites are guilty of going out in clothing that was meant for a purpose - rock climbing, camping - not for fashion.  Portlanders either don't realize there's a difference or scoff at it in wearing clothing who's purpose was to clothe a college student when they couldn't afford anything better or know any better.  Oh wait. . . that doesn't quite work since they spent more on their ironic t-shirt and poorly fitting skinny jeans than I did on my work-sleek Calvin Klein dress and heels. 

Hipsters all think they are unique and different.  What they don't see is that they are all minutely different versions of the same.  Is this what the "you can do anything, you are a special flower" parenting books have lead to?

Select any three (I think three is enough, four is a definite minimum though) of the following list and you have a hipster:

• Converse
• skinny jeans, double points for skinny colored pants.
• Unnecessary wide belt with big buckle.  The pants are already so tight you had to have help getting them on.  I know your butt is hanging out but the belt won't help with that.
• An "ironic/funny" t-shirt.  They are never either.  Double points of it's seriously worn.
• A Jason Mraz hat
• Homeless lumberjack beard.  It could be housing a chipmunk (not the Alvin persuasion), last week's pizza leftovers or the axe you'll use to murder me.
• A bad haircut or lack of haircut.  I have trouble seeing the difference between the dirty hippie folks who haven't cut their hair because they don't care and the hipsters who spent $65 to look the same way. Triple points for homeless lumberjack beard and long stringy Kurt Cobain-esque hair.  Or alternately, Justin Bieber hair on a male over the age of 17.
• Super high waisted colored super short shorts. I've only seen them on females, but who knows what's possibly. Double points if they are short enough her ass is trying to escape out the bottom.
• A long hippie, flowing skirt that you then decide is too long and too flowy so it's tied up at the knee.
• A plaid button up shirt.  In a concert sea of bodies,  plaid is plaid is all the same plaid. 
• BCGs. These are the black, chunky rimmed glasses.  A friend from the military told me they call them BCGs - birth control glasses - because they are the only style the military will pay for and you ain't getting laid if you wear em.  Now the caveat might be that you'll get laid, but by another hipster.  You've been warned.
• Flat billed ballcap.  Break that sh*t in. And don't wear it high on your head, like Heather, this girl I went to junior high with.  She'd spray her bangs up big, like Kelly Kapowski in SBTB and then put the hat on behind it.  (if you do not understand this reference, stop reading now.  You can go google it and still not really understand or you are under 25 and will never understand either). As an aside here, also no super flimsy, 80's style, windbreaker material ballcaps.
• Neon anything.  Again, I feel like this could easily segue into a Saved by the Bell reference.The brighter the better, especially tops, hats or accessories. 
• Keds on men. This isn't Europe and you aren't Swedish.
• Old school raybans.  You know the ones I mean that are really in, again.  Like they were twenty years ago.
• A mustache.  Now this is a tricky one to write.  I like a good mustache.  Good being the pivotal word in that sentence. This is where my new motto comes in to play.  JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN, DOESNT MEAN YOU SHOULD*.  Sure, you can grow a mustache.  It looks ridiculous on you, your face is rejecting it and you haven't realized it. We are all shaking our heads and chuckling. Waxing it out Rolly Fingers style (again, google it) doesn't make it look less ridiculous.  Now there are a few folks that can pull it off.  There was a fill-in Seattleite guitarist for the band The Heavy at Bumbershoot.  He looked fantastic, plaid shirt, waxed mustache and all. *Apply motto to aforementioned beards, skinny jeans and buying a Hummer.
• Tom's. ick.

 Apparently it means that I was fashionable at seven.  I used to wear leggings and neon all the time. I wore the windbreaker hat, the raybans (in neon colors of course), keds.  I hated getting my haircut and had the predecessor to the Bieber cut (accidental and unfortunate I can assure you).

For the sake of your sanity and mine, I'll cap today's blog there and allow my rant to spill over to tomorrow.  Look for more scathing hipster don't, don't and why do they's tomorrow.

**Do I need to include googled photos of all this stuff?  I'd imagine a fair number of you know and can picture exactly what I'm referencing.  If photos are requested, I'll add some.